She remembers things

I’ve long forgotten

I thought she wasn’t listening

She was

Where it leads her is unknown

She has floundered

Her pain undeniable

She tries to run

But she ran into the truth

Once I worried

Then I released to higher power

Now I wonder

What becomes her

Perhaps I will never know

In her grows a spark

It may tinder to flame

It may die an ugly death

It is her spark

I give it room

Step back

Watch and wait

There is love there offered

It is abundant and abiding

It resides here

It resides beyond this place

Held out

Waiting to be touched

Claimed

Swirling around

A whirlwind of answers

Available to breathe in

Fill

Uplift

Transform

It is not my journey

Not my denial or acceptance

But I will continue to wonder

What becomes her

With love

Engtovo ~ October 3, 2007

A baby comes
Conceived in lies, deception and manipulation
Conceived in hurt, heartache and neediness
A baby comes
A new life tender and vulnerable
What will become of this life
How can he walk through the coals
Of the fire that is his very creation point
There is drama, fear and anger
Why must a new life start this way
A baby comes
It should be a most joyous and sacred occasion
How can our family be in a position where this joy is thwarted
I want to scream and yell
In frustration and disappointment
That this could happen here
Where there is so much knowledge and God Love
But my screams would be heard only by spirit
My heart aches for him
A baby comes
There is no one ready to nurture him
He is surrounded by pain
By abusive behavior
By ignorance and indifference
He deserves so much more
A baby comes
I feel powerless to change anything around him
I feel powerless to influence those who can
They think of themselves only
Incapable of putting him first
He cries out to me
I hear him
But will they allow me to answer
A baby comes
God please create a path for him
One that frees him from these low vibrations

Engtovo ~ May 8, 2006

What’s loyalty
What’s family
Where is the line
The truth
What is guilt and obligation
What is freely given
What is manipulation
How does one free oneself without guilt
From those who are entwined into our lives
Relationships that are unhealthy
Expectations unrealistic and undeserved
Why do we give one another these powers
If I take care of myself
I am said to be selfish
Whether it is true or not
It holds energy
With lifelong relationships
I can do nothing wrong
And be seen as the bad guy
As others cling to victimization
And project onto me as the oppressor
Simply for taking my own power and walking away
Having done nothing to them
Good bad or indifferent
Simply choosing to live my life
How did it get this way
Why did I allow it
Why does my stomach still churn
As if the world will crumble
When I make the choice to nurture myself by moving on
Because I will not have their approval and acceptance
I do not have it now in truth
But they pretend I do
And so what is it I lose by my choice
I lose only them pretending to accept me
Pretending to respect me
Pretending to care about my spiritual perspectives
And yet the masterful family plan is so ingrained
That my stomach churns more and more
At the thought of losing the illusion
It all disgusts me to the core
Is my own self worth really so fragile
That I am afraid to have my family stop pretending to accept me
And just be in an honest space about their resentment
The envy
The fear
The anger
How many years have I been subtlety trained
To feel guilt a the slightest thought of independence
Shame that I should want to do something without them
I have the right to my life
God gave it to me
He did not tie us together like Siamese twins
I want to scream
How dare you
How dare you
You don’t even like me
Yet I am suppose to sit here and beg for your acceptance and approval
Suppose to give you my gifts
So you can throw them away like they are nothing
Suppose to feel like less than I am
So that others can try to be ok with themselves
I am sorry that you envy me
That is your sorry self esteem
You don’t have the right to tear me down to feel better
You don’t have the right to claim some part of me
Current or future
As if I am something you own
Like an investment that won’t seem to come to fruition
Is always a disappointment to you
Despite the fact that you are clueless what goes on within me
Looking for results
That are not of you or for you
I must cast it all off now
There will be intense anger that I don’t comply with the expectations
But this is not my burden to carry
I have done nothing to harm any
Only tried to love
But that is not what this family is about
New family will be born
Of others like myself
This will bring even further anger
You will feel betrayed
Simply because I love
How sad is that
I will never understand how we came to this
I know the history
And yet it makes no sense
You will feel betrayed by me empowering myself
Choosing to seek joy and love in life
Companionship
Nurturing
Harmony
You can’t even see that if I had the power
That is the same thing I would want for you all
But you don’t want it for yourselves
And you don’t want me to have it
So what choice do you leave me
But to walk away
To follow the Creator’s path for me
It’s been such a long and difficult journey together
If only I had found the courage at the deepest level
The understanding and truth that I sought to protect a lie
I would have been able to walk away years ago
But everything in its own time
Your anger, disappointment, feelings of betrayal
Whatever you want to place on me
It is your own
And I leave it with you

Engtovo ~ October 20, 2005

Jesus knew the way home
But the disciples did not stand forth
By standards set forth by you
That would make Jesus a bad teacher
Instead of the disciples being limited students
How absurd
They had example
Proof from your perspective
And yet they remained mortal
Unable to follow suit
Why is this
I ask you
You cannot blame Jesus for still being mortal
As he was not
He gave them the full example of which you seek
Spalding saw it all for years
And yet he too did not stand forth
Were the Masters simply amiss in their teachings for him
That which you have put forth are naught but excuses
You desire your victimization and blame
But your life is your own dear brother
Always has been
Always will be
Your choices belong to you and you alone
If you want divine life you will have to work hard
It cannot be handed over
Bought or sold
Steps can be explained to the mind
But are meaningless until
Heart/soul/spirit take them in and experience them
It is a path of revelation
And the revelations can only come from within
If you have not had the revelations
You are not qualified to discuss them
Judge them
Or anticipate what they mean
Or how they should or should not be expressing
Divine life arrives in an instant
But there are years and lifetimes of preparation that come first
If the preparations have not been done the instant will not arrive
Have you done the preparation
You assume that upon seeing the proof
You would experience your divine life instantly
This is the foolishness of ego
Spend your time in preparation
And assume nothing
Humble yourself before your Creator
And seek not proof or outer expression from any
Look within
Look within
Look within
It is there your revelations await

Engtovo ~ October 18, 2005

It comes out in the open
That which is long since known
Its harsh presentation is punctuated with intensity
Truth finally spoken
No matter how unbalanced
It is sad
But spoken it is free
Its depth is overwhelming
There is no self responsibility therein
Blame me for all that has happened
Blame me for all that has not
All that will happen
All that will not
He knows not what is inside
He cannot see the steps or growth
He looks only for actions of his desire
That is not his right
He attached himself to my outcome
How absurd is that
He was on hold
Waiting
Watching
For me to prove to him what I have said
Also not his right
I will prove nothing
Not to him or any other
My journey is my journey
It does not need to be proven
It simply exists
He is upset about my relationship with spirit
When I am not
Simply an expression of how little he knows of what’s inside me
He feels he was replaced by two people whose energies always stood beside me
He has never discovered himself
Only sees himself through me somehow
It is beyond my comprehension
He is angry at me for being mortal
Yet in life with him that is all I’ve ever been
My journey will complete in divine time
He will not be there to witness.

Engtovo ~ October 18, 2005