Mercury returns to me
Bringing up feelings
I thought long ago dead
Sadness
Loneliness
Hopelessness
Lack of faith in my own power
It is the right time to face these things again
Or they would not be here in my heart
How many layers deep do they go
When will I pass through them forever
I am not where I want to be
Expressing as I see myself
What will bridge the gap
Allow me to create my life in truth
As I know myself within
Pain does not express me
It is a lie
I am not a victim
But I cling to victimization patterns
That do not serve me
I will not allow others to define me consciously
And yet I am not defining myself
Not choosing to live as me somehow
What is the first step
I wish I knew
What action would set me on that path
I ponder
Contemplate endlessly
And no answer emerges
And so I continue
Looking for a solution
That does not materialize
I feel I must seek it
But it eludes me so completely
I am lost
Not knowing where to begin the search
It must come from within
But it is as if that part of me is missing
Doesn’t exist
And so I sit here praying to be saved
When I know only I can save myself
Where will I learn how
Or is it simply that the part of me that knows how
Still doesn’t believe I deserve it
The information is being hidden away from me
By me
What does it take to earn my own trust
To sustain my own faith in myself
To break through this barrier
I don’t have the energy to endure
So what does that mean
I will give up on my self
Just lay down and die now
And I will have proven myself unworthy of my own trust and faith
That makes me so angry
How dare I refuse myself anything
What ever made me believe I had permission
To hold myself captive
Punish myself
For deeds of perspective that are meaningless
What do I say to myself deep down
I have hurt people
Everyone on the planet has hurt people
That does not make me unique
People have hurt me
We have all been hurt that does not make me unique
Do I believe I should be immune to being hurt
Be perfect never hurting another
Even sacrifice who I am to not hurt another
Subjugate myself
It is not possible
I could give myself away
In an effort to never hurt anyone
And in the process someone would get hurt
And I would be hurt the worst of all
No I must think I need punishment
Simply for my existence
Some part of me does not believe I have the right exist
To be alive
To be on the planet
What part are you
And what led you to this absurd perspective
And how do I neutralize you forever
Or integrate you into the truth
I am worthy just because I exist
I am a child of God
And nothing more is required of me other than my existence
To deserve every good thing in life
My heart wants to scream
No words
No thought
Just primal
Disgust that it has come to this
Days are wasted in this crap
When God wants me to have joy
When is it enough
This is my creation
And I am not satisfied with it
I want more
Deserve more
Must create more
I am tired of settling for this
Talking of timing
Trying to be at peace with what is
Be in acceptance
I am NOT in acceptance
I don’t want to accept this
It can change
I should only accept what cannot be changed
I have to find a way to turn this anger I feel around
Instead of turning it on myself for creating this
I need to use it to move the energy forward
And bring my change
Create my life
As I envision it in truth

Engtovo ~ November 20, 2005

Retrograde

What gift do you bring

What understanding was missed that you offer to me now

Oh how people fear you

Because you are of the place of pure spirit

If they live only in the physical world

Things do not go smoothly during your visits

I welcome you

You show me things

Bring me visions and dreams

Take me to the core of things

You ease the influence of this world where the mental is deified

Bring forth the truth that the mental is nothing without the divine

Once upon a time you brought chaos into my life

Showed me where my thought was far away from spirit

Broke down my machines and took me to look at the depths of my frustrations

Thank you

You did your job well

Now I look to your arrival as a time of insight

You leave my machines alone because I do not deny you

I do not attempt to carry on in resistance to your wisdom

Ah beloved Mercury

You show us the divine intelligence behind what appears chaotic

Three times a year

For three weeks each time

You show us that there is a divine order

Most don’t see or acknowledge you do this

But I do

And here we are again Mercury

Move your tide back through me

Clear my mind of thought that does not serve me

I acquiesce

Engtovo ~ August 12, 2004

Waiting to hear

What is the word

The energy has shifted

The fear dispersed

The deed done

Freedom is this release

It plays out as it will

I have done my part

I can do no more than that

Life can change in an instant

Divine Love manifests itself through this life

The moon shines brightly this new energy

Venus moves into play

She comes calling seldom

Some never see her filtering the light through her love

We witness her here

It is a gift

She shows us the heart of creation

She prepares us for a greater expression

Harmony reigns in the space she creates

We can choose to align with her

We can allow her to carry us together

Trust in the dance of stars and planets

Put into motion by Divine Principle

Place ourselves into the intelligent motion

Know that we will be in the exact right place in creation

People, places on our path perfect

Like Venus

We will not doubt our motion

In Divine Love

No timing of eclipse or collision a mistake

Let us collide and create something new

Divine Love has foreseen

That creation unknown to us

I surrender my heart Venus

Influence me

Show me the Love

Move it through me

Become me

Its time

Engtovo ~ May 11, 2004

Alas there is change

It is the moon of change

The cycle shifts us all

Some feel it some don’t

But make no mistake

You have been shifted

We move toward the equinox

The beginning of the first full cycle

The fifth world moves me

To lead with energy

This equinox it begins for me

I am in preparation

These changes in this moon

Set the stage

Place me ready

I agreed to do this

I am in harmony with it

I welcome this moon

Move the tide of me

I am fluid

Free to flow with the universe

This endeavor

Is perfectly aligned with these cycles

It is glorious

I feel the hearts of all who will participate

The Earth mother holds us

Her arms are strong and steady

Her cycles guiding us

Are you ready

It cannot be stopped or held

Any more than we could keep the moon full

My power is gifted in perfect synergy

To the power of a union of spirits

Together change moves through us

Change resisted brings pain

Give yourself to the flow of Divine Love

Release the pain

Animal brothers and sisters listen

And I listen

A song is sung

Peace becomes them and me

The time is here

The change is upon my breath

I welcome it into my words and deeds

Engtovo ~ January 24, 2004